“Ashes to ashes…dust to dust,” Reverend Peterson said as he placed a small amount of earth on the silver and cream casket which contained my father. I took this as my cue to toss the long stemmed red roses I was carrying on top of his casket. I remained in my position and watched as everyone followed my lead and placed their flowers on top of the casket. I wanted to walk away from it all but somehow my feet remained frozen in the same spot as if they were anchored in the muddy grass.
I had been to a dozen funerals in my twenty-one years of life but none of them no matter how sad or tragic they were prepared me for this. None of them prepared me for my own father’s funeral. In fact, since he was the pastor of our church he was usually the one who conducted the funeral. That’s why everything about this day didn’t seem right. The fact that we were even burying my father down to the fact that it snowed overnight in the middle of May made this whole scenario seem unreal to me.
“Baby girl, everything’s gonna be alright…you hear me?” My mother Janetta said as she hugged me tight and wouldn’t let me go. The ground was so damp from the snowstorm the night before that it literally felt like we were standing on quick sand. I had to keep lifting my four-inch stilettos up out of the mud so that I wouldn’t sink. Instead, I held onto my mother real tight as she continued to talk to me.
“Yeah”
“Your father isn’t suffering anymore…I know you miss him but one day if we keep living right we’re going to see him again” she whispered in my ear. I looked into my mother’s green eyes and wanted to answer her but I was too choked up to say anything at all. I just nodded my head in recognition to what she was saying. My mother was such a loving and caring person and usually her words comforted me but this time they did nothing. I knew deep down in my heart what she was telling me was what I needed to hear at the moment but it still didn’t help me.
It’s funny because I remember how many funerals I’ve attended where I’ve told a grieving family or church member the same thing because I felt that’s what they needed to hear and most of all because I felt like that was what God wanted me to say. Now it proved to be a whole different ball game once I had to wear those same shoes.
Those words and statements that escaped from the lips of the people attending my father’s funeral became annoying to me even though they were initially spoken to bring me comfort. So many people had walked up to me and hugged me saying they knew how I felt, they knew what I was going through, and better yet that God had better things for my father to do. I didn’t want to hear all that mumbo-jumbo. What I wanted was for someone to just come up and hug me. They didn’t necessarily have to say anything to me at all just the simple fact of showing me that they cared but not the people at my daddy’s funeral. Everyone felt the need to try and sound like they were super religious by saying all kinds of bible scriptures and spiritual cliché’s. I definitely wasn’t in the mood for all of that.
“We just gotta keep the faith baby and we’re gon’ be okay” my mother gripped me real tight one last time before letting me go. Although I shook my head yes I was even more confused. Up until this point, I considered myself to be a person of great faith. You know someone who believed God could do anything. With my dad being the senior pastor of True Reach Ministries I’ve seen it all. I’ve seen a lame man walk, the mute talk, and I’ve even seen people be healed from all kinds of diseases. That’s why as soon as my father sat me and my two younger brothers down to explain to us that he had pancreatic cancer my faith automatically kicked in. I remember it just like it was yesterday.
“We called this family meeting because we wanted to talk to you three together,” My dad said as he stood up.
“What’s up dad? You called us all together to tell us you’re buying me a car right?” My brother Brian joked and expected for my dad to laugh like he always did when my brother said something stupid but instead he didn’t crack a smile at all. He looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and I had never really seen my father look this way and to see him like this really scared me. He was usually the one who could take whatever came at him without even breaking into a sweat but there was something deep within his eyes that let me know that what he was about to tell us was serious.
“We’ll talk about your car situation later but right now your mom and I want to talk to you about something a little more serious than that”
Before anyone of us could interrupt him anymore he spoke again.
“You know how I’ve not been feeling good lately and my doctor has been running all kinds of tests on me to try and figure out what was going on with me…well yesterday he called to tell me that I have cancer of the pancreas and the tumor they found was larger than they expected”
“So what does that mean dad?” My youngest brother Chris asked.
“Well they’re saying that with the type of cancer I have and the size of the tumor that I have that it doesn’t look good”
“Okay…so what else did they say?” Brian asked.
“They’ve given me three to six months” he let out a sigh as my mother began to rub his back.
“What three to six months of treatment?” Brian added.
“No son…three to six months to live but listen that’s what the doctor said but we know what we believe”
“That’s right dad…who’s report are you gonna believe”
“The report of the Lord and his word says that it is by his stripes that I am healed” my father declared. The strength in his voice gave me the extra reassurance. It was like after he said that I just knew that everything was going to be alright.
“Daddy I believe when you go back they’re not even going to be able to find any cancer,” I proclaimed.
“That’s my girl” My dad replied.
“Yes and since we know what the word of the Lord says then that’s what we’re going to stand on” My mother said as she grabbed hands with my father and signaled for us to join hands so we could pray. As my mother began to pray, it was like the very presence of God came in and surrounded our family like a blanket and after she was done I was definitely at peace. I just knew God came down and did a miraculous thing that day. I couldn’t wait for the doctor to tell my father that he was cancer free because in my heart I just knew he was.
Upon hearing the initial news, my brother’s took it kind of hard but I think it was something that was pretty hard for all of us to hear. When our parent’s sat us down I expected for them to say all kinds of other things than what they said. Never in a million years would I have expected for my father to tell us he had cancer. If anything he was a complete health fanatic that lived a totally healthy lifestyle so for him to tell us that he had something wrong with him was a complete shocker to us. He was the type of man who prided himself at inventing new flavors to the health shakes that he drank every morning so for him to take his health that seriously and end up with an illness took us completely by surprise. After we were done praying, my dad motioned for me to come with him in his office. He waited for me to come completely in the room and then he shut the door behind me.
“I know this was real hard for you and your brother’s to hear but your mom and I wanted to be straight up with you all about what was going on”
“Yeah, it was a lot to digest at one time but I know you’ll be fine…it’s just a test to add to your testimony”
“And that’s exactly what it is…and that’s why I wanted to talk to you by yourself…out of all three of my children you are the most like me and I’m going to need you”
“Okay daddy…whatever you need me to do”
“I need you to be strong for your brother’s and your mom...no matter what goes on I need you to remind them of God’s promises…keep your faith”
“Okay, consider it done”
“And baby girl” my dad called out to me as I was leaving his office.
“Yes daddy”
“Don’t worry because I’m going to be just fine and I’m coming out of all of this victorious”
* * *
I was fortunate enough to slip away from the crowd of people who had my immediate family hemmed up like a skirt. I spotted one of my friends from the church getting into her car so I asked her if she would take me home. Once she said yes, I text my brother Brian and told him that I was leaving.
As she drove past all of the cars that made up the funeral procession, my eyes took me back to the place where my father’s casket sat. I looked on as the cemetery worker’s lowered my father into the ground and I wondered where God was in all of this. I mean I was old enough to understand that God was sovereign and that meant that he could do what he wanted to do but what was the purpose of taking a man with so much purpose out of here prematurely? My mind began to run rampant with questions that I needed the answers to. When I used to get to the place where my mind was cloudy and I needed some advice and some direction I never hesitated to go to my father for guidance and now with him gone I felt completely lost. Where would I go when I needed some sound advice? Who could I confide in and trust to give me good, Godly advice and wouldn’t spread my business everywhere? I had made the habit of going to my dad for just about everything over the years but now I didn’t have that luxury anymore. When I saw them covering up the casket with dirt it was confirmation that I was on my own now and this was definitely a new day.
* * *
“Jade, it’s me…open up” my mother hollered out to me as she knocked on my door. My eyes popped open as she continued to knock on my bedroom door.
“Hold on ma, I’m coming” I yawned and got up from the bed.
When I opened up the door, my mother was fully dressed in a two-piece baby blue church suit.
“I thought you were up but your brothers told me that you were still sleeping so I thought I would come and wake you up”
“Where are you going?” I asked as I went back to my queen size sleigh bed and sat down.
“We’re going to church this morning…I was coming to get you up so that you could get ready and go with us”
“No mom…I don’t think I’m going”
“Baby this is your second Sunday in a row that you haven’t been there…now you know everybody’s going to be asking where you are”
“Just tell them I’m sick again” I got back in bed and pulled the covers over me.
“Jade, I told them you were sick last week, you know there’s no way people are gonna believe that you’re sick two weeks in a row”
“I don’t care ma…I’m not going”
“Okay, I’m not going to argue with you on why you should come but I do want us to talk about all this later when I get home”
“Alright” I let out a sigh as my mother left the room. Church was the last place I wanted to be right now. Since my father’s death our whole family has been under a magnifying glass. There have been a lot of people surrounding themselves around us but that’s only to see when we’re all going to crack. It’s been driving me absolutely crazy to live my life like I’m on display at the local zoo or something and I refuse to do it. I was just not feeling the whole church scene right now and rather than go to True Reach and make a complete fool out of somebody I chose to stay home. Besides, I already tried to go to church the Sunday after we laid my father to rest and I couldn’t even stay the entire service. Everything reminded me of my father and the fact that he wasn’t there and I couldn’t deal with the constant reminder. Every time one of the ministers walked up the steps onto the platform I expected for my father to be not too far behind but when I would see one of the ministers coming out dressed in a full-length robe like the one my daddy wore on Sunday mornings I was reminded again of my reality.
* * *
“I wanted to meet with you all so that you could all hear what I had to say together” Dr. Garrett said as we sat across from him in his office. He called our house and told us he wanted to talk to our entire family so we met with him. My parents decided not to include my little brother Chris in the meeting because they felt he was too young to understand everything that was going on. I had a feeling deep down in my stomach that I couldn’t really describe. I could just feel like something was about to happen. I had been praying and fasting about this situation ever since my dad had told us he had cancer four months ago and I was excited about the good news we were about to receive from the doctor.
“So what’s up doc?” My dad asked as he took a deep breath.
“Well I know you remember how we told you that we were going to run those tests on you to check the status of your cancer and to see if there was a change and there has been a change”
I started to smile because I knew the doctor was getting ready to tell us that my dad was completely free of cancer. I could see it on the tip of his tongue.
“What kind of change has there been Dr. Garrett?” My dad asked.
“ Well the cancer has spread since the last time we ran tests on you and we found it’s not only in your pancreas but its moved all over your body and we’ve determined that it’s terminal”
“What? It’s spread that much?” Mom asked the doctor so she could gain a clear understanding of his terminology.
“Yes, I’m afraid it has…at this point there’s really nothing else we can do for you” he folded his hands and waited for our response.
“Thank you Dr. Garrett for everything you’ve done for me…my family and I appreciate everything you and your staff have done” My father stood up and shook the doctor’s hand.
“It was a pleasure having you as a patient and I will be calling you in a week or so to follow up with you and connect you with your new physician” I was confused about what the doctor’s results were. For him to tell us that our father’s cancer was progressively getting worse, he sure didn’t look like it. He still looked like he did when he first told us. He wasn’t in the hospital fighting for his life. He was living his life everyday like he always did and other than him having a couple of bad days he was pretty much okay.
Once the doctor left us alone in his office to talk, my brother Brian was the one to break down first. My dad went over to him and hugged him.
“Brian, please don’t cry…I’m okay”
“Dad, but the doctor said that you’re not getting any better” he said in between his tears.
“I know what Dr. Garrett said but we serve a God who can do more than what we can even think of…I’m going to be alright”
“I think we should pray right now daddy” I suggested.
“That’s exactly what we should do” We joined hands right in Dr. Garrett’s office and prayed that God would begin to do a work and turn this whole situation around but what we didn’t know was that was the very start of things spiraling out of control. Shortly, after our meeting with Dr. Garrett my father started getting really sick. He lost all kind of weight, could barely eat, and spent most of his days sleeping in bed. Even though he was starting to outwardly show the things that were going on inwardly in his body he still trusted God and I was right by his side trusting Him too. I knew that God had promised him a physical healing and that’s what I expected to see. In the mornings before I went to my college classes, we would pray together. When I came home for the day we would all pray together as a family and we believed with all of our hearts that he was going to get better. My faith wouldn’t allow me to accept anything else. I was basically waiting for God to confirm what I already knew. My father would live and not die.
* * *
“Have you been sleep the whole entire time we’ve been gone” My mother came in the house and removed her baby blue pumps at the door.
“I think so…I don’t even remember falling asleep in the first place…where’s Chris and Brian?”
“They decided to go over your grandmother’s house for dinner and I figured today would be the perfect time to talk”
“Talk about what mom?” I asked. I knew where she wanted to take this conversation and I was trying to avoid it at all cost but I knew with her that wouldn’t be possible.
“About everything that’s been going on lately…about you” my mother replied.
“I’ve been walking around here noticing that you’ve been acting different and its bothering me Jade…you’ve been real quiet, to yourself lately, you haven’t been going to church with us and to be quite honest I’m very concerned about you so is there anything you want to talk about?” she looked at me and could tell I had so much to say but I wasn’t trying to get into that discussion. Not now anyway.
“Ma, I really don’t want to talk about it right now and I haven’t been feeling like going to church lately so can we talk about this later”
“No…I would like to talk about this now…I know you’re dealing with losing your father but God is going to give us the strength to make it through this…we just have to keep trusting him, that’s all”
I let out a chuckle before I completely lost it.
“Oh so that’s what we’re supposed to do is trust him? Well where was he when daddy was sick? Where was he at when we were praying for his healing? He wasn’t anywhere to be found and we thought he was there…Ma I prayed and fasted everyday for God to turn dad’s situation around and he still died…where is God in that? Huh? Can you tell me how God is supposed to be a loving and caring God and he took home one of his own…I don’t see God in that” I cried as I finished what I was saying. My mother sat next to me on the couch and had started to cry with me. I know she expected me to tell her what was going on with me lately but I know she never expected me to go off like I just did. I had even surprised myself because I didn’t even expect to go off like that but I guess it was something that needed to come out. Until I had confessed that to my mother, I had never said anything to anyone. I felt like a big weight had been lifted up off my chest.
“I know you don’t see God in this but he doesn’t do anything by accident…it was God’s will for things to happen the way we did and even though you may not understand it…he has a purpose and a plan for everything”
“So it was God’s purpose and plan for us to grow up without a father? It was God’s perfect design for us to be out in this world fatherless…he could’ve taken anyone else in the world why did he have to take daddy?” My mother didn’t even attempt to answer me she just grabbed me and pulled me in close to her. She wept as she held me in her arms and I cried uncontrollably as my mind raced and tried to make sense of it all.
“Mommy, I prayed…I trusted God…I did all I knew how to do and he still passed away”
“I know honey...we did all we could but we just have to have faith in God and trust that there is a meaning and a purpose behind all of this”
“The way I’m feeling right now…I’m through with God”
“What? You’re through with God”
“Yes…I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’m just done with all of this church stuff for a while…I need to get my head together and God is not my favorite person right now”
“Jade, I know you’re frustrated right now but you can’t denounce the very thing you’ve built your life on”
“Well I’ve served God my whole life and believed every word in the Bible and I know what the word of God says and knowing all of that my father still died so I was thinking of switching things up in my life for a little bit”
“Baby please don’t give up on God…I know you’re hurting but God is here to take away your pain…he’s not the one who even gave you pain”
I had a major bone to pick with God and I wasn’t going to be satisfied until I spoke with God myself. I knew that was foolish of me but that’s how I felt. I needed for him to explain to me his purpose and plan because I was having a difficult time following it and the way I had been feeling lately I wasn’t sure if I still wanted to serve God.
“Wait a minute…I have something that I need to give you” My mother got up and went down the hallway. I saw her walk into my father’s office and shut the door. She came out a minute later with a white envelope in her hand and handed it to me.
“This is for you…it’s from your father”
I opened the white envelope and inside there was a letter addressed to me. I opened the letter all the way and began to read the contents of it.
Dear Baby Girl,
This is probably the hardest letter that I ever had to write but I feel that it’s necessary. I have taken the time to write each one of you letters and have instructed your mom to give them to you when the Lord directed her to. First I want to say that I love you so much and I am so proud to have you as a daughter, you have made me so happy over the years and I thanked God everyday for allowing me and your mom to be your parents.
I know that finding out about my illness and seeing me sick has been real hard on you and even though you’ve kept it together, I know it’s been rough.
You’ve done exactly what I wanted you to do and that was stay strong and keep your faith through this whole ordeal and I must say I am so proud of you but I know dealing with the aftermath of it all you have questions. You’re probably asking God why did all this have to happen to me but it was necessary. You may even be mad at God for not healing me and allowing me to live but you have to understand…this was all a part of his divine plan for your life. God showed me when you were born that you were going to be the one to follow in my footsteps and proclaim the word of God when you got older but with me there for you to lean on it would be hard for you to do that but now is the time. It’s time for you to take your rightful place and enter into your God given destiny. Go forth, my daughter in what God has for you and I’ll see you again.
I love you,
Daddy
As I finished the letter he wrote me, I felt the very presence of God come down and wrap around me like a cashmere blanket. I had been so mad at God for everything that happened and I should’ve been praying and seeking God from the beginning.
I dropped to my knees and began to cry. My mother started praying for me and I could literally feel every weight and measure that had been weighing me down being lifted.
“Lord, I’m so sorry for losin’ the faith in you during this situation. Please forgive me for not trusting in you…I pray right now that you will restore my faith to when I first believed. I know that you do everything for a reason and I pray that you will help me to be strong and get through this, In Jesus name…Amen”
When I finished my heartfelt prayer, tears began to run down my face but this time they weren’t tears of sadness, they were tears of joy. Even though my father had written me such a beautiful letter, I knew it was God’s way of getting my attention. I had allowed myself to be so caught up with the loss of my father that I had forgotten that God was there all the time. He had never left my side the entire time. He was there in the beginning of it all and he was still there even though I had been mad at him. I had let my circumstances and the way I was feeling to take my eyes off of God but he loved me enough to speak to me through a letter.
I got up from where I had been kneeling on the floor with a renewed strength. I didn’t feel overcome with grief anymore. The burden of dealing with my father’s passing had been removed and I knew that this would be one of the very things that would help me make a difference in someone else’s life.
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.
Copyright Jessica A. Robinson 2008
Visit Peace In The Storm Publishing,
http://www.peaceinthestormpublishing.com/, to learn more about Jessica A. Robinson, and her debut novel
Holy Seduction. 
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