Excerpt: Suicide Diaries by Ebonee Monique

PRELUDE

Have you ever aimlessly searched a crowd of faces? Investigating green, blue and brown eyes for some sort of familiarity? Maybe you’ve studied the physical attributes and hairstyles of someone, hoping that a make-over could’ve altered the looks of the person you’re searching for. My eyes dart from wide noses, small noses, big hands, little hands, freckles and moles-all while trying to find an ounce of reason to believe that this person could be the one to end my search. But it never ends. For some reason, the heart has a tendency to embrace the truth long after the mind has.

Do you know what it feels like to stand in a room full of people and only be able to run one name, one voice and one face through your mind? It’s beyond the point of obsessive and just below pathetic, and yet, the search for closure has no shame. It’s like running around a group of people with your zipper down, exposing everything below the belt, and while you want to zip up your pants and cower in a corner out of sight, your hands are frozen, your eyes are set and your mouth can’t utter the words that your heart is dying to say: "Help me!" It’s like walking in a never ending circle with a blindfold over your eyes, restricting your vision, your heart, restricting your emotions and your soul, restricting your growth. The on-going cycle of finding a sense of peace, while standing in the dark, can be pretty amusing to the unassuming. Close your eyes and imagine the never ending circle you’re in and think about what you’d do to get out.
This is my daily routine. Welcome to my world.

Before you start thinking I’m an overly dramatic, obsessed person let me take you to a time when I was far from the person I slowly became.

~Lauren Washington

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